Trusting God Through Mental Illness

By: Timothy Spurgeon, Resonate Bellingham

My first panic attack happened within the walls of Seattle Children’s hospital. It was day four after brain surgery, and the nurses wanted me to learn how to walk again. It was going great. Two out of three laps around the ICU, my chest swelled, my knees began to shake, and it was as if the air left my lungs. I couldn’t think of anything but the words, “I can’t do this.” 

“Just one more lap”, that all I was hearing from the nurses and my parents. Words of encouragement had turned into a punishment. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t do anything but stand and try to catch my breath. That was seven years ago. My most recent panic attack? Yesterday. I thought my leader hated me because he hadn’t answered my text quick enough when I asked if he wanted to hang out. I laugh as I write that because I fully understand the irrationality of it. Sadly, there are those of you reading this who will relate. You will understand that while it is irrational, your brain doesn’t stop thinking about it. 

For seven years I have doubted people’s intentions in my life, I have suffered from random unreasonable panic attacks and have spent days imprisoned to my bed. It has been an extremely hard seven years. Year three of this walk with mental illness, something changed. Jesus revealed Himself and I became a follower. Near my year one of being a follower, I started to question my place in Christ’s family. I mean, from what I knew about Christianity, you can’t be depressed or anxious. There is literal scripture that says do not be anxious, and I felt so imprisoned to my anxiety. If that was true, maybe I wasn’t a Christian. You can’t be depressed and a Christian right? 

Super wrong. 

Summer of 2017 I began the journey of what it meant to be a Christian that struggled with mental health. I did the ten week discipleship project called Elevate, and I was surrounded by 90 other Christians and lived closely with 6 of those 90. Those 6 Christ-like men saw the attacks, slumps, the tears, the fits of anger. They fought for me, they cried with me, they prayed for me. They loved me the way Christ did, and yet, it was not enough. Why was it not enough? Why could I still not find joy? Arsenia Ivanov, a room leader, sat across from me one afternoon and read to me Matthew 7:24-27. 

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and the house fell and how great the fall was.” Matthew 7:24-27.

She looked me in the eyes with such compassion in hers and said in such an authoritative tone “Your feelings are sand. You build your faith off your feelings, and your house will fall. You have to build your faith off of who Jesus says He is.” I have not forgotten those words spoken over me. 

I have not forgotten them, because they are absolute truth. My feelings change faster than the wind changes direction. There is no real consistency with my emotions and my mental state. If I build my relationship with Jesus off of my feelings, I am going to spend a lot of sad days believing I am not loved all the while the truth is there is no where in Sheol I can hide from the Father’s presence (Psalm 139:8). The truth, the Bible, does not change. It is constant. It is a rock I can build my house on. 

The title of this article is trusting God through mental illness.The verb form of “-ing” in “trusting” is pivotal. When it is used as a verb, it signals that the tense is progressive, or continuous. That means I have to continuously trust God with every day, every breath, every thought. I have to continuously trust that His words ring true. I have to continuously trust that his words are a rock that will keep me standing when the waves of depression rise, when the anxious thoughts rain down and when the fears and insecurities hit me stronger than hurricane wind speeds. This is a truth that I have to walk in daily. 

Sound exhausting? It is. It is a daily battle. But we are to trust God’s word. Well, God's word in Revelation 21:4 says “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the former things have passed away.” There was a season where every day I called someone and asked them to share the gospel with me. I asked them to remind that while I am in a daily battle, the war has already been won. Christ, the perfect man and God, took all my sin, all of my brokenness, and died alongside it. He rose three days later, conquering our sin, giving us eternal life with Him. There will be a day ,whether that be when I meet Him in heaven, or He brings us the new earth, I will never experience an ounce of this pain again. He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and welcome us home. 

So, when I am at my wits end, and my alarm clock hasn’t even rang yet, I will pray for God to give me enough grace to get through the day. I will run to my community so they can point me back to my loving Father. I will lay my head at the feet of my Father’s throne, knowing His grace is sufficient for me. 

Author’s note:

Anxiety and Depression, and any other mental illness, affects us all very differently, and in no way am I trying to fully understand your struggles and or generalize my symptoms and victories and all of the above to everyone. I do want to help as much as possible though. Here are a few pieces of scriptures I have been chewing on these past few months. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

2 Thessalonians 3:5

Galatians 6:2

Psalm 130:5-8