The Feels // The Pandemic of Loneliness
By Jordan Scott, Resonate Missoula
In the beginning, God created everything in heaven and on earth. He created the sun and the moon, the land and the sea, the plants and the animals. He culminated it all with the crown of creation, man. God called all His creation good with the exception that man was alone. Man, created in the image of the relational God for a relational life, was not designed to be alone. So, “the Lord said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone, I will make him a helper comparable to him.’”(Gen 2:18) Then from man, God created woman.
Completely vulnerable and completely unashamed, mankind walked in relationship to one another and God. Harmony and intimacy existed among them until man struck off on his own, choosing the independence and pleasure of sin instead of relational unity with God. All of humanity inherited loneliness, the pain of separation from God and one another, as a ripple effect of that decision.
In January of 2020 (before the coronavirus pandemic landed in the US) Cigna released survey results of over 10,400 Americans above the age of 18 that assessed subjective feelings of loneliness. Over 60% of respondents reported feelings of loneliness. The most lonely group was Gen Z where nearly 80% of respondents reported feelings of loneliness. Loneliness is rampant in our universities, present in our church, and affecting our lives and the people we lead.
What is Loneliness?
Again, loneliness is the pain of separation from God, ourselves, and one another that resulted from the fall. Loneliness is not only the absence of people, it is the presence of pain. It arises on three fronts: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Physical loneliness is akin to isolation. It is a deprivation of human interaction and relationships. During the pandemic year, where many people were forced to quarantine, socially distance, and isolate for weeks at a time; physical loneliness was very high. The inability to interact with other people created much pain. Emotional loneliness is the pain of feeling alone or misunderstood even while surrounded by people. It's a pain carried by many church planters who left their well-established communities for new frontiers, leaders who bear responsibility among their peers, and anyone who feels like an outsider. It can be caused by a lack of trusting relationships, the fear of vulnerability, transitionary periods in life, life circumstances, trauma, among other things. Spiritual loneliness completes the picture. It is the backdrop that supports the existence of all loneliness. When sin entered the world, the pain of loneliness entered with it. The world is not how it should be because sin led to separation between God and men. At the root of loneliness is sin; the sin in our hearts and the sin of our broken, fallen world. Sin hedges barriers between relationships. It destroys our understanding of God, ourselves, and one another; and sin is a heart problem. No large number of people or any meaningful, human relationships can eradicate the pain of spiritual loneliness. Only the God who invites us close and transforms our hearts can do that.
While the root of the pain of loneliness is sin, just because you are lonely doesn't mean you're actively sinning. Sin is the reason all pained loneliness exists, but feelings of loneliness are not sin. The feeling of loneliness is a cry of your heart for what has been stolen or lost but is desperately longed for. It is at its core a cry for relational unification, belonging, peace, and love between ourselves and God and ourselves and other people. “It expresses how desperate our need is for the relationships we hunger for.” And because of the immensity of that need, loneliness creates vulnerability. And vulnerability (the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally) terrifies us. So instead of facing our vulnerability, we either run or numb.
How do we follow Jesus faithfully in loneliness?
The first step to following Jesus in seasons of loneliness is acknowledging our need. Do not avoid your loneliness. The need will be met one way or another. Either through sustenance or junk. Unlike our culture that glorifies independence and self sufficiency, God wants us to need him- to rely on Him entirely. Honestly declaring our needs to God is a vulnerable act. It reveals us as we are; weak, limited, and wanting. It humbles us out of any pretense of control and requires us to humbly trust God. When we acknowledge our needs, pains, and desires; we take a courageous step of faith toward God. This may seem counter intuitive, but when you're lonely find a place to be alone in the quiet with only God. Truly understanding our need requires us to slow down from busy, loud rhythms and find a place to vent the whole of our needs, hopes, and desires. God wants to hear them. Chip Dodd writes this about aloneness:
“Only through stopping, escaping, listening, waiting, becoming alone will we reconnect to our heart and have the ability to offer it to God. We seek solitude not isolation. That does not necessarily mean serenity. It's a place of weakness where any number of emotions might bubble up including sadness, guilt, resentment, fear. Aloneness is reconnecting with who we are in God’s created world. Aloneness is escaping the pressures of people to encounter God, know He is with us, and experience the joy of His presence.”
Slowing down and acknowledging our need for relationships allows reconnection to ourselves, and the ability to experience God as a friend and know He is for us. Even in the loneliness of isolation, spiritual leadership, or sadness we can rely on Jesus' words, “surely I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matt 28:20)
Community
Community is essential to engaging feelings of loneliness. Once we create the capacity to experience the fullness of our loneliness, risking expressing it to other believers is the next step. The bible tells us to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep”(Rom 12:15) and “to bear one anothers burdens.” (Gal 6:2). Feelings of loneliness, like any other burnden, are made to be carried on the backs of a community. Community cannot entirely cure loneliness, nor is it designed to. But relating to one another in deep, rich, and meaningful ways alleviates the sharpness of the pain of separation. When we risk confessing our loneliness to one another, we are freed from isolation. The feelings of loneliness might not entirely discapate, but now others are with us in the pain, helping us move toward a richer relational life. Just by sitting with us in our loneliness, without quick fixes or easy solutions, community becomes a means of restoration. Naming and engaging loneliness in community is essential to healing.
Side note. Social media is not community. If you’re struggling with loneliness, get off social media. Comparison is an instigator of feelings of loneliness. Dan Allendar, a renowned chirstian therapist says, “Almost every comparison you make regarding your life and someone else will, on one level, create envy. And… envy will always come on the other side of the coin of loneliness.” Comparison often creates envy of others, which in turn makes us feel small and isolated. The largest platform for social comparison is social media. If you are struggling with chronic loneliness, try a social media fast. You might be surprised by the results.
Finally understand that feelings of loneliness are inevitable. In every relationship, even the closest relationships, loneliness will appear. There will always be a desire to know and be known more deeply. That desire is not immaturity or weakness. It's a desire for the fullness of unity that is beyond this world. Paul Matthies, a single pastor in his late 40’s, says this:
“Sometimes we call ‘loneliness’ what God’s word calls a longing for unhindered intimacy with him and others. And we start thinking that other people can provide us what only God can provide. And it amazes me how often I call ‘loneliness’ what is actually a groaning for redemption. And instead of trying to numb it, I should embrace it and try to realize that it’s God’s good gift to me to remind me that this world is not my home.”
When we experience loneliness, let us be a people who lament the pain deeply, allowing it to draw us into closer relationships with God and other people. In this world, because it is broken and separated from God, loneliness will always be present. But because of our redeemer Jesus Christ, we have another home where intimacy with God and others is complete. Embracing our loneliness is a path that leads us closer to our truest desires.
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how numerous are my enemies and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you.
Psalm 25:16-21
