When Your Parents Don't Understand
By Preston Rhodes, Resonate Missoula
The Problem
As the pastor of a church composed primarily of college students, I frequently find myself in conversations with students about what to do when their parents disagree with their decisions. Most often, these parents are loving and well-meaning. They simply don’t understand why their child is deciding to join a church, give their finances, or attend a summer project. Occasionally, parents are power hungry and grasping at fleeting control in their adult child's life. Though complicated and nuanced, these counseling situations are a necessary step on the journey from dependence to independence.
In this blog, I want to share a few of the biblical principles I use when counseling someone through parental tension. Because of the tremendous variety of situations, I will focus on principles and general practicality over specific scenarios.
What Scripture Says
As always, we want to examine our problems through a biblical lens. That means we get the Bible out in front of us first, before we have made any decisions. Let's make four biblical observations, then we will derive our decision-making principles.
The Bible teaches us to honor our father and mother (Exodus 20:12, Deuteronomy 5:16, Matthew 15:4, Mark 7:10, Luke 18:20, Ephesians 6:2).
The Bible teaches that there is a higher authority than our parents (Matthew 10:35-37, Luke 14:26).
The Bible teaches that parents are to raise their children up to obey God (Deuteronomy 6:5-7, Ephesians 6:4).
The Bible commands us to walk in humility, gentleness, and patience, especially toward those who are older than us (Ephesians 4:1-3, Colossians 3:12, 1 Peter 5:5).
Principles
Now that we have made a few biblical observations, we can begin to frame our decision-making principles. Here are four principles I use to counsel in these situations.
1. Parental authority is not absolute
In our youth, our parents represent the authority of God. However, this parental authority is only a temporary stand-in. Much like training wheels, our obedience to parental authority is meant to teach us how to submit and obey. And, like training wheels, this solution is not permanent. The goal all along is for us to grow in our obedience to God. The goal in our relationship with our parents is not mere obedience; it’s a healthy and honoring family relationship with an obedient trajectory toward God’s will. Our ultimate obedience is owed only to Jesus. Devotion to father and mother is not absolute; Jesus is.
2. Honor does not always mean obedience
When Jesus commands us to honor our parents, He does not mean that we are to obey our parents in all things. We know this is the case because parents often advocate for actions that are explicitly prohibited by God. I’ve known a young man in our church whose parents are furious that he has decided not to sleep around during his college years. What they see as wise and valuable (discovering your sexual preferences through experimentation), God sees as abhorrent. For him to honor his parents, he must respectfully disobey their demands and help them see why God’s design is better. By obeying God, you are honoring the institution of parenting. That means that in many situations, the best way to honor your father and mother is to defy their wishes and do what God says.
The key to remember is that when the Bible says to honor your parents, you must use God’s definition of honor, not your parents’. There will be many situations that your parents will not feel honored by your actions, but that doesn’t mean that your actions weren’t honoring. For example, if you have a parent that is abusive, the most honorable thing you can do is to create healthy boundaries and contact authorities about the abuse so your parent can get the help they need. They will feel betrayed and hurt, and they may even say to you, “You’re a Christian. Aren’t you supposed to honor me?” Do not let that dissuade you from honoring them God’s way.
3. We never disobey in defiance.
In situations where disobeying parents to obey Christ is required, it is vital that we disobey with respect and gentleness, never in rebellion. Tell them that you don’t want to disobey them, but explain that some situations are non-negotiable because of your faith in a higher authority. Ask your parents to respect your wishes in these areas. Nothing you do should have a spirit of defiance, spite, or indifference. Disobedience toward parents should be approached humbly and soberly, not as a proverbial middle finger. We should pray and work and wait for our parents’ blessing in any situation where it is possible, but our allegiance must always lie with Christ alone.
4. The logistics matter
However, this doesn’t close the discussion for many of us. If you turned 18, moved out of your parents house, and established total independence (financial, material, etc.), then you can honor your parents and obey God in whatever he is calling you to. However, if you are not independent from your parents — if they pay your tuition/insurance or own the car you drive — then you may have to obey your parents in morally neutral areas even if you believe God is calling you to do something else.
For instance, I met recently with a girl who feels like God is calling her to go to Elevate. However, her parents have threatened to stop paying her tuition if she goes. I advised her that if she cannot change her parents’ minds, she should not go to Elevate and should instead do whatever she can to gain financial independence as soon as possible. However, if her parents had said, “You must go get drunk at a party or we will not pay your tuition,” I would have advised her to not go to the party and drop out of school, because while attending Elevate is a morally neutral decision, drunkenness is not.
Conclusion
With these principles in mind, here is the formula that I counsel from. This is not rigid, but is the general framework that I build off of using the details of the situation.
If you are independent from your parents, you should obey God in both morally neutral issues (whether to go to Elevate, which roommates to choose, which major to study, etc.) and morally clear issues (whether to tithe, whether to sleep around, whether to drink underage, etc.), while working for your parents blessing and trusting that they will come to respect your independence. If you are not independent from your parents, you should obey your parents in morally neutral issues and obey God in morally clear issues, while working to gain independence so you can obey God in the morally neutral as well.
