Anxiety: A Mental Warzone
By Erin Czirr
Until a few months ago, my husband and I lived in East Asia. This had not been my first time living overseas, and we were in a place and a culture where I had a sense of home. It was obvious we would face hardships living in another culture, I just didn’t expect one of my biggest hardships to be what it was— Anxiety.
Within two months of moving across the world, some scary health symptoms that I had never experienced before began. We opted for the hour-long cab ride, instead of the 1.5 hour bus-ride or subway commute, to the international clinic in our city and met with an American doctor. He suggested next steps, but was alarmingly concerned about where we were living in the city, because we were so far from any emergency medical care. “What are you going to do if there is an emergency? You’re screwed.” That thought became an unwelcome companion over the next three years.
My symptoms were neurological, so we went to a specialist in the city. While getting checked, curious onlookers would follow us into every room. It was understandable, knowing we were the only foreigners there, and might have been the first foreigners these rural patients had ever seen. Sitting in the exam chair with my chin up against the machine as they examined my eyes, a 70-year-old onlooker blew puffs of smoke over me as the doctor looked into my dilated pupils. The onlookers were just as eager to learn my diagnosis as we were.
After another hour of being stared at in confusing waiting rooms, the nurse came in and told me that I needed to get an MRI immediately. Still struggling with our language and communication, we had her call the international clinic. She said, “Don’t worry, but you should go right now.” The tests they had done on me that day had shown an image of what appeared to be a tumor behind my eye.
Hours later, we were on a plane to a nearby country with better medical care. The next morning, an English-speaking neurologist began the week-long assessment of tests and exams. Come to find out, the test that showed the spot behind my eye, was a smudge on the machine lense at the eye hospital. Soooo...no tumor, just a dirty lense.
My anxiety revolves mostly around my health. I don’t fear dying. I fear suffering. I fear the physical pain that could lead to death. With this fear, every new symptom or sensation in my body leads me to imagine the worst case scenario. It is mental torture. Pure panic can wake me from a dead sleep. I would often wake up my husband and tell him to pray over me. It was, and still is, the greatest spiritual battle I have ever experienced— a physical, mental and spiritual war zone.
At the beginning of 2020 we moved back to the States. The thought of returning to a place with good health care brought comfort and relief. Emergency medical care would be accessible again.
Still, as we were preparing to fly back more fears came up. I was in my first-trimester of pregnancy, so an international flight with violent morning sickness was intimidating to say the least. The second, was the fear of illness. Did I mention we were living in relatively close proximity to the epicenter of COVID-19 as the pandemic was starting?
Then, as the great philosopher Michael Scott once said, “Oh how the turn tables.” COVID-19 is here and completely turning this country upside down.
Just when I thought my anxiety was based on where I lived, I quickly learned this was not the case. These last few months, I have constantly been overthinking every cough, body ache, and scratchy throat. Regularly checking updates on how many cases are in my town, and Googling things like “will the second outbreak be worse?”, “when will this end?” and “how much money should I have in savings,” I can convince myself of every worst case scenario. So, here is my prescription.
Practically
Turn Off Social Media
It Isn’t helping… It is just a reminder of the bad news that is circulating.
Stop Checking COVID-19 Case Numbers
This is outside of my control, and I can only choose how I am responding today.
Regulate News Consumption
It is easy to catastrophize every health symptom, the economy is a mess, and there is a conspiracy theory for everything right now. If you are what you eat, then stop feeding yourself fear.
Limit the Use of Devices to Only What is Necessary
Instead I am choosing to fill my mind with things that point to the Lord and not fear. This social distancing time has been spent listening to worship music, watching more sermons, and reading books that help me sit with the Lord.
Enjoy Life
New craft projects help give me a time in the day to relax and experience a therapeutic activity. Any day I get outside and walk or get exercise I feel like a new human. Stop surviving, start living.
Spiritually
Pragmatism is pointless if we don’t address our greatest need. Without Christ, we have every reason to be filled with anxiety and fear. Without Christ, we should fear death. Without Christ, we should fear running out of food or toilet paper, and fear our economy collapsing. With Christ, this all changes.
In Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus addresses anxiety:
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
There are three things in this passage we should hold fast to.
He Will Provide
Look at the birds and the lilies. They are not worried about their lives. He knows what you need more than you know what you need. Trust the Lord. Trust His word and the promises in His word. He will not forsake you. He sees you. He loves you and wants you to trust Him. He offers us peace that surpasses all understanding.
Seek First His kingdom
We should seek His kingdom and His righteousness above all. We are all seeking after something right now. Some of us are seeking financial stability, some are seeking for answers and want to know when this will end. Some are seeking toilet paper and clorox wipes. Jesus says seek His kingdom, which is not what the news or our culture is telling us to do. Begin each morning putting Christ at the center of your attention and affection; fighting throughout the day to keep Him there.
He is Sufficient for Today
In verse 34, we are told that tomorrow has enough worries for itself. We need mercies and grace for today and today alone. He will give us what we need when we need it. We aren’t promised tomorrow won't be difficult or that everything will go the way we hope. The truth is, we may get coronavirus. We may lose our jobs during this pandemic, but those are not things we need to worry about today. We are promised that His mercies will be sufficient for us through everything that comes our way. He has given you what you need to get through today in the midst of this pandemic. Tomorrow is a new day, and there will be new mercies when it comes.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23
