Why Conflict is Worth the Trouble

By Kristen Dabbs, Resonate Pullman

I am a girls’ girl. I have always valued and pursued friendships with other women with joy and ease. Proverbs 27:9, “A sweet friendship refreshes the soul” has rung true for me for the majority of my life. I never really understood guys until I got married, but understanding and growing with women has always been a source of delight in my life and walk with Christ. 

While I really value my role as a good friend - and sometimes pride myself in it - I have quite the Achilles heel that shows up in almost all of my relationships. I am scared of conflict. I feel a consistent knot in my stomach as I even imagine what an approaching conflict might look like. I run scenarios of all the ways it could go, all the ways the other person could react, and all the negative long-term repercussions that could come from it. Anyone relate?

Unfortunately, conflict is simply inevitable in close relationships. And actually when handled healthily, conflict increases intimacy in friendship. But, my gut will still tell me to avoid conflict and be afraid of potential dissension every single time. Will they hurt me or reject me? Will I say the wrong thing and make it worse? Will one or both of us be so overcome by emotion that we say things we can’t take back? Will the conflict escalate to a point beyond repair?

In Philippians 4, we see an example of conflict between two women in the Philippian Church. Paul is pleading with them to be reconciled, and pleading with his friend to help them do so.

As a true people-pleaser and conflict-avoider, I can’t say that I have found myself in these women’s shoes many times because I do whatever I can to dodge that scenario. But mostly because I skip the first step of acknowledging or entering into conflict to begin with.

But I can tell you from experience that no matter how much I try to steer clear of conflict, either my own problem with someone or their problem with me, there is no amount of ignoring or stuffing that can make those issues disappear. Disagreeing is inevitable. Here are a few ways to lean into the beauty of reconciliation.

1. Be open and honest about where you’re at.

Do you have an issue with someone? Or do you feel they may have an issue with you? Is there blatant or under-lying disagreement or tension?

First acknowledge the rift within yourself. Maybe journal or reflect on why you are sensing that. Then be open and honest with God about where you’re at and invite Him into the situation. 

Then, this is the tough part for some of us, talk with the other person about the issue between you. Say the real and honest thing, even if it’s hard. “I compare myself to you”, “I feel left out by you”, “I don’t trust you”, “I have envy towards you”, “I was hurt by you.” I have said or heard all of these things in conflict before. In these moments, whether you are sharing or receiving, do your best to lean into patience, gentleness, and willingness to listen to keep the conversation as peaceful as possible.

One really helpful way to initiate a conversation like this is to “check assumptions”. Start off by asking the other person if you can “check an assumption” with them. Then state what assumption you may have of them, or a story you may be telling yourself, like “I have an assumption that you don’t like me” or “the story I’m telling myself is that you don’t value my opinion because _____”. This gives the other person the benefit of the doubt while humbling yourself and immediately de-escalates the situation.

2.   Seek reconciliation. 

In the security of marriage, my husband and I pursue conflict quite often. The challenge is less about voicing disagreement but finding reconciliation on the other side. After airing out our conflict and concerns, we have found what helps us to move forward is to ask each other “What do you need in order to feel reconciled?” Sometimes we respond with things we need the other to say, whether affirmations, dispelling a lie, or offering an apology. Sometimes it’s just a hug or a laugh. But this can feel scarier in friendship since there is not the security of covenant.

But the truth is we are God’s covenant people, covenanted to one another as the church. And He longs for us to be one in heart and mind (Phil. 1). So if conflict is inevitable, this means reconciliation is necessary. And this is all over the New Testament. To run from conflict is sinful because it is running from reconciliation and unity. 

So after an open, two-sided conversation, ask and think on how you can be reconciled, and ask God for His wisdom in that. Is it spending more time together? Is it checking in more often? Is it agreeing to disagree?

3.  Ask for help.

In this passage, Paul asks his brother in Christ to help these women reconcile. And we should do the same. If you are stuck and needing help before or during the reconciliation process, ask for help.

Start by asking God as He is our Helper and Counselor. Then ask a trusted friend for help. Jesus teaches us about how to do this in Matthew 18:15-17, where He says to approach the person first one on one, but if the issue persists, bring someone else in. The tricky part is asking for help without gossiping, venting, or slandering. But if you can seek help and wisdom while honoring the other person, absolutely do so.

If anyone can reason their way out of entering conflict, it’s me. But let us be reminded of the beauty of reconciliation today and allow the Spirit to convict us into action. Let us remember that God in His endless grace moved towards us when we were completely undeserving. All we brought to the relationship was wickedness and brokenness, yet God did the most extreme gesture of reconciliation in Jesus. He gave up His most beloved treasure, His Son, to reconcile us back to Him by dying on the cross. That is our immovable motivation for reconciling with one another.

In light of this, who is God asking you to initiate an honest conversation with? How can you pursue reconciliation in a broken relationship? How can you seek help in a stuck relationship?

Unity is worth the discomfort. Closeness of community is worth the risk of hurt. Jesus is worthy of our obedience.

God, help us be a church that lives in peaceful unity. Do not let us believe the lie that conflict damages peace, but help us see that seeking reconciliation requires confrontation. Help us to have the courage to enter into these conversations and find increased intimacy and peace on the other side. And let our love for one another woo the lost world to know you.