How Far Is Too Far?

By Preston Rhodes, Resonate Missoula

Warning: This blog post addresses a mature topic, and it will discuss mature ideas related to sex, sexuality, and sexual anatomy.

Before I start, I want to clarify that this is written to a Christian couple. This means that the couple consists of one consenting Christian man, of legal age, and one consenting Christian woman, also of legal age. Any couple outside of these parameters have different problems that need to be addressed first.

The other day, I was at the gym thinking about what I could say in response to this question. In some ways, this question is fairly difficult, because the Bible is not explicit. There is no place in the Bible that says, “When you are dating, you can kiss, but no tongue.” The reason for this is obvious: dating is not a biblical concept. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it is wrong or evil, but just that it did not exist during the time our Bible was written. 

As I was working out, the song If It Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow came on the speakers. 

“If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad.” Catchy song, but horrible advice, especially in this area. Our hearts are deceiving and wicked, not to be trusted. 

So if the Bible is not explicitly clear, and if our hearts should not be trusted, how can we answer this question? 

What the Bible says

While the Bible does not directly address dating, it does address how Christians are to conduct themselves relationally and sexually. Here are a few truths that we can see in Scripture:

1. God created sex. (Genesis 2:24-25)

Sex is God’s idea. God created it, God ordains it, and God understands it. Therefore, since God is the creator and mastermind behind sex, God’s standard for sex will always lead to the best sex. God’s standards are there to protect us, not to deprive us. 

2. God designed you to be attracted to people of the opposite sex. (Genesis 2:18, 23-25)

Your attraction to members of the opposite sex, or specifically to your boyfriend or girlfriend, is not sinful. God designed you to experience that attraction. If you are dating or engaged to someone who you are not attracted to, that is a cause for serious concern. Keep in mind, attraction is not the same as lust. Lust is self-serving and views the other as an object, while attraction is selfless and maintains the respect and dignity of the other person. 

3. God encourages sex within the covenant of marriage, and he forbids it outside the covenant of marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:4, Hebrews 13:4)

I tell all the couples that go through premarital counseling with me and my wife that if God was physically in the room during your wedding night, He would be cheering you on. Sex in marriage is an act of worship, because you are bringing together two formerly separate bodies and making them one flesh, just as God has brought we who were far from Him into union with Him. Sex outside of marriage is an act of rebellion against God because we are abusing His design for sexual union and misrepresenting the relationship God has with us. 

4. God created the desire for marriage. (Genesis 2:18, 20)

God’s normative design for individuals is marriage. There are exceptions to this norm (in the case of those blessed with the gift of celibacy), but exceptions are not the rule. If you are single and you long for marriage and a healthy expression of your sexuality, then you do not have the gift of celibacy. Although God may be blessing you with singleness in the current season, that is not necessarily His plan for the rest of your life. Therefore, you do not need to be ashamed of the desires God has given you. You can trust that God has given you the desire for marriage and that he will fulfill that desire in His timing and His way. 

5. God cares about your thoughts, not just your actions. (Matthew 5:27-30)

God wants us to be holy as He is holy (1 Peter 1:16), and that means holistic holiness. If we have outward holiness but inward sin, we are like whitewashed tombs (Matthew 23:27-28). For that reason, God cares not just that we stick to our physical boundaries, but also that we remain holy in our imaginations. If you think that your relationship is holy because you stick to your physical boundaries, but you lay awake at night thinking sexually about your boyfriend/girlfriend, you are no less guilty before God than those actually engaging in premarital sex. 

God outlines three responses to sexual temptation in a relationship: marry (1 Corinthians 7:9), exercise self-control (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5), or break up (1 Corinthians 6:18).

This is not to say that since you want to have sex with your boyfriend you should definitely marry him. Never make marriage decisions based on your sexual desires. If you are both ready for marriage, headed in the same direction, and your community approves, then get married as fast as you possibly can. If you are not ready for marriage, then exercise self-control. If you are not ready for marriage and you don’t have enough self-control to stop the sexual sin, then you must break up. Remaining unmarried but continuing to fall into sexual sin is not a biblically available option. 

I’d like to be extremely clear here so no one gets the wrong idea. Marriage is not the cure to your self-control problem. Self-control is not a fruit of marriage (although a Godly marriage fosters self-control), but a fruit of the Spirit. If you are lacking self-control, then the answer is not to run to marriage but to run to the Spirit. Marriage should never become a mere channel for your sex drive. In both singleness and marriage, our sexual desires must be conformed into God’s image so that He is glorified in our sexuality. 

Principles

Now that we have a biblical outline, I want to try to derive a few principles that can guide us.

1. “How far is too far?” is the wrong question. 

If you were backpacking in the wilderness and all of a sudden saw a massive forest fire on the next ridge over, you wouldn’t ask, “How close can I get to that fire without being burned?” Instead, you would turn and run away, because you know that fire outside the confines of a fireplace is extremely dangerous. 

In the same way, sex outside the confines of marriage is extremely dangerous, so our goal should not be to get as close as we can. A much better question would be, “How pure can we be in this relationship?” God commands us to flee from sexual temptation (1 Cor 6:18), not to dance around it.

2. Your sexual intimacy should never exceed your commitment.

Sex is a Godly seal on a covenant. If you have made no covenant, there is no place for a seal. When you attempt to place a seal on a dating relationship, you’re telling your significant other and the world that God’s promises are just as sure and steady as your dating relationship. When you are dating, you have zero commitment. You could break up at any moment without breaking a covenant. When you are engaged, contrary to popular belief, you still have zero commitment. Engagement is just the term we put on the time period in which we plan a wedding and go to premarital counseling. During engagement, you could still break up without sin. In marriage, however, there is commitment. Leaving your spouse can never happen without sin. That means that the seal of sex is meant exclusively for the covenant of marriage. 

3. Your behavior should honor your boyfriend or girlfriend. 

Our dating relationships should show our significant other the respect he or she deserves as a child of God. We honor our boyfriend or girlfriend in a few ways: respecting the boundaries you two have established, avoiding all types of coercion or manipulation, and fighting for what is best for them in ten years instead of what they want right now. As I said in the introduction, our hearts are deceitful and wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). Our hearts will trick us into believing that what we want right now is what’s best for us. We must reject the immediate gratification of indulgence and fight for the delayed gratification of holiness. 

Clear Line

 Now, finally, let’s try to draw a clear line. All non-married couples should have definite and specific boundaries established in their relationship. If you do not establish a concrete boundary, your sinful heart will take your “heart-values” and twist them until you’re convinced that your sin is alright. Don’t play that game. Set up specific boundaries. 

 To find a clear line that applies to all couples equally, I want to look at our biological design. As we have already established, God created sex, and He created us as sexual beings. God designed our sexual anatomy. As Matt Chandler jokes, “It’s not like when God was creating man, He turned his back for a second and Satan snuck in and attached a penis.”

 God built us with specific body parts that are designed for reproduction, for sexual intercourse, and for sexual pleasure. God designed cells that swell, cells that secrete, cells that relax and constrict. They were all God’s ideas. Because God designed our anatomy, we can look to our anatomy as a measure for our sexuality. 

 Take a moment and think about your sexual anatomy. You can immediately recognize when your body is preparing for sexual intercourse. We all know the various parts of the body that swell, lubricate, tighten, or relax. When our bodies do those things, it is because we are preparing for intercourse. 

 If sexual intercourse is to be shared exclusively between the married couple, then the clear line is this: any activity that causes your body to prepare for intercourse is too far. Those activities are called “foreplay” for a reason: they lead to something. If you aren’t aiming at the end result, then don’t engage in the things that lead there. 

Conclusion

As always, I want to remind us of a couple things. First, this process should transparently involve your discipleship group. God calls us to walk in the light (1 John 1:7) and tells us that there is safety in a multitude of counselors (Proverbs 11:14). You should not inform your discipleship group of decisions you’ve already made; you should involve them in the decision making process. Only through living in the light of community can you navigate this issue wisely. 

Second, be reminded that none of us will do this perfectly. God knew we wouldn’t do this, or anything else, perfectly. He knew it so well in fact, that He sent the only person who could to live a holy life in our place and suffer the punishment of our sins in our place, so that we can have His place in eternity. 

If you are reading this and know that your relationship has not been God-honoring or healthy, it’s not too late. Repent of your sins, confess to your community and your significant other, believe in the Gospel, and walk in obedience from here on out. God promises that because of Christ, we are a new creation. The old has passed away, and the new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17) Don’t get stuck being ashamed of someone who is already dead. Live for Christ as the new creation He has made you.