I Was Hurt By The Church; Now What?
By Eric Czirr, Resonate Moscow
When I was in my teens, I made up my mind that Christians are hypocrites, and I wanted nothing to do with them or their judgemental God. Without ignoring the irony of my previous statement, it has now been almost ten years since I became a Christian. In that time, I have had seasons of wrestling with God, and I have seen a large number of people make decisions to follow Jesus, only to see some later abandon their faith or leave the church for a variety of reasons — hurt being a significant contributor. Sometimes, those who leave the church in hurt also leave their faith. Other times, they simply move on to another faith community or something different. Sometimes, those hurts have been rooted in sin. Other times, they have been rooted in valid concerns. Even other times, they have been a result of a legitimate difference in calling. So for those of us who have been hurt by the church, a Christian leader, or a Christian person, how should we decide what to do next?
The Bible is the standard
The self-esteem movement that has taken root in culture would tell you that you are great just the way you are, that nothing about you needs to change, and that every person should be celebrated just the way they are. Let me challenge that notion for a second. Can you think of anyone in the world historically or at present that should change, or are all people “great” just the way they are or were? If everyone is great just as they are, then we should get rid of laws, governments, and judicial systems, no? Now let’s stop judging others and think about that for a minute. Obviously, there are and have been bad actors throughout history, so it is safe to say that not everyone is great just the way they are. We just don’t want to believe that I could be one of the people that needs to change.
In 2 Timothy 3:16-17, Paul tells Timothy, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (NIV) The Bible is not intended to make us feel comfortable; it is intended to teach, rebuke, correct, and train. I don’t know about you, but rebuke and correction are things I still sometimes have a hard time with. There are times in which my relationship with Jesus has hurt me, has cost me something, or has led me into a “dark night of the soul.” To say that the Bible is true is to force the question: do I really believe God is who he says he is?
In the Old Testament context, the nation of Israel was God’s chosen people. The word “Israel” literally means “struggles with God” or “wrestles with God.” It is the name that was given to Jacob after he wrestled with God (Gen 32:22-32). To be a believer is not to have it all figured out and have a life of ease. It means that you are committing to wrestle with God, and, like Jacob, to say, “I won’t let go until you bless me.” Don’t let go, even if you are struggling with who God is or what the Bible says. Keep wrestling. Jacob walked with a limp after God wrestled with him. Life with a limp is better if it means we get God.
Bad advice is not hard to come by, but it can be difficult to identify. Often it is advice that affirms a preconceived notion that we have, affirms our current worldview, or validates a desire. So for many, when scripture, or a pastor, says something that offends them, they leave. I have heard Christian people give advice that is blatantly contrary to scripture. Things that are steeped in culture, like, “Just get a divorce if you are unhappy,” or, “I don’t think ____ sin is that big of a deal,” or, in the case of being hurt by the church, “Just find a church that is okay with _____.” Those things are easy, sinful-desire-affirming, and based wholly in culture. The problem is God’s word is not interested in our preconceived notions about how the world ought to be. God’s word is, however, deadly concerned with God’s glory and God’s will. This is demonstrated most powerfully by the fact that Jesus laid down his own preferences to the point of enduring what is arguably the worst form of death that humanity has conceived of — crucifixion (Luke 22:42).
The Bible is the standard for the church, for Christian leaders, and for Christian people. If we are offended by what the Bible says, then it is our responsibility to change, not God’s. If we are hurting, a good question to ask ourselves is, “What voice am I listening to— culture or scripture?” Is this hurt the result of God’s word revealing sin and something that will ultimately be for good? Am I willing to keep wrestling with God?
Jesus is offensive
Someone told me recently that American Christianity has a lot in common with Hinduism. In Hinduism, there are millions of gods, and gods are being created and added to the pantheon all the time. There are Hindu gods that we will never hear about, because they are only worshipped by one person. For the Christian, we often do the same. We conceive of a god that we feel comfortable with, one that aligns with our preexisting values and sinful tendencies, and we worship that god. We’ve all named that god Jesus, but there are actually millions of different individualized gods being worshipped that are all named “Jesus.”
The Jesus of the Bible calls Christians to submit themselves to him. However, we often conceive of a god that submits to our will, not us to his. Jesus told his followers they would be hated because of him (Matt. 10:22), and he himself was eventually crucified because he offended enough people (Matt. 27:11-56). We sanitize Jesus, because we are afraid of what he might ask of us, require of us, or ask us to give up. We are much more comfortable with the picture of Jesus the redeemer than we are of Jesus the sword-wielder, who returns in blood-soaked robes to exact justice on all humanity. The Jesus of the Bible is both of these. As Mr. Beaver said of the Christ-figure, Aslan, in The Chronicles of Narnia, “Safe! Of course he is not safe, but he is good.”
So if you are or have been hurt by the church, it is important to ask yourself what Jesus you are worshipping. Is it possible that you are hurt because Jesus is calling you to change? Are you demanding that Jesus accept you the way you are, or are you willing to accept and submit to the Lordship of the Jesus of the Bible?
People are not God
One of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given is this: do not judge God for what people do. After I had decided that Christians are hypocrites, this piece of advice left me open to the words of Jesus. Oftentimes, when an individual hurts us, we can project that onto the whole church, or onto God himself. There is a reason why they say fathers are your model for God. However, fathers, like all people, are imperfect, flawed, and in some cases, a terrible model for God. Spiritual fathers are no different. Jesus gives instructions as to what we should do if someone wrongs us (Matt. 18:15-20). Have the hard conversation. If that does not go well, bring others with you. If that does not go well, bring it to the church. If that does not go well, treat them like you would a non-believing person.
It is possible that you are experiencing hurt because a Christian person or a Christian leader is living out of their sinfulness. A quick Google search will take you through the graveyard of fallen Christian leaders. The good news is that none of these sinful, fallen, broken people are God. Instead, they are just like you and me — in desperate need of the gospel. It is easy to look at others and see shortcomings. It is much harder to look at ourselves and be honest about our own sin. If a Christian person is not willing to be accountable to a Biblical standard, then that is cause for concern and may be a legitimate reason to leave a church. However, before putting all the blame on your pastor or leader, remember that Jesus calls us to take the beam out of our own eye before addressing the speck in another’s eye (Matt. 7:5).
There are, unfortunately, legitimate cases of abuse in churches. If you are in a violent situation or experiencing physical, sexual, or verbal abuse, you need to tell the appropriate authorities and do all that is necessary to remove yourself from that situation. If you have experienced something like this, all I can say is that I am deeply sorry. Jesus hurts with you, and there will be a day when he will bring judgement against every wrong and wipe away every tear.
So for those of us who have been hurt by a person, we should ask ourselves: have I really been hurt by “the church” or God? Am I judging God for what people have done? Am I sitting in judgement toward others?
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I do not know what hurt you may or may not be feeling. What I do know is this: Jesus is worth it. Whatever story you have for how your life should go, Jesus has a better one. The Christian life is not one that is free from hurt, but the pain caused by carrying the cross is worth it (Matt 16:24). If you have been hurt, all I can really say is that I am sorry, and I hope that this will be of benefit to you.
“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few” (Matt 7:13-14)
May God give us the strength to choose the narrow gate.
