How Can I glorify God When My Mental Health is Struggling?
By Maria Royall, Resonate Pullman
Our God is the king of flipping things on their heads. Glory in this world is known by achievements - renown, honor, fame - yet our God shows the greatest glory in periods of darkness, brokenness, loss. This is how God is glorified in the midst of mental illness.
I lived years 0-19 of my life with relative ease. I came to WSU after graduating high school, and things were going well for me. I had made many friends through Resonate at WSU, I was in the first real relationship of my life, and I loved school and my roommate. Then my sophomore year, everything changed. My circumstances were good, but I got sick. Really sick. My mind failed me, and I found my thoughts continually leading me to my own death. I turned from someone who was cheerful, goofy, fun, and somewhat outgoing, to someone who couldn’t fake a smile or look her friends in the eye. I became underweight, passed out often, and stopped going to class. I parked outside the hospital to deter myself from doing what I wanted most. I was constantly running from my own death, and my mind kept leading me straight back.
My immature understanding of God left me wondering what to believe with a mind like this. How could a good Father leave his daughter in this much pain? How could a strong Christian see no hope for the future? How could a compassionate God not take this from me? How could I glorify Him when I’m not doing okay? I grew up believing depressed Christians weren’t believing “enough” or didn’t actually have a relationship with God. My relationship with God had been stronger than ever just before I got sick; how could this be true of me?
My mentor at the time helped me understand one of the trickiest things about depression: it feels extremely similar to being far from God. You’re confused, wondering where you’re heading, questioning if it’s worth it. Dark, sad, empty. As believers, we are never far from God. But as believers struggling with mental illness, we live in a constant state of juxtaposition, competing realities, and cognitive dissonance.
Yet the Truth remains unchanged. You are near to God because of the enduring work of Christ. Don’t let the lies convince you otherwise.
When I got sick, my relationships changed drastically. Most of my friends gave up on me, and I don’t blame them. I was begging them to give up on me. However, I was lucky enough to have three people that refused to leave my side—my mentor Molly, my roommate Beth, and my fiancé David. Those three people revolutionized my understanding of God. They stayed by my side when I had nothing to offer, and for the first time I saw my worth entirely separate from my ability to perform. I gave David an out when we were engaged, because I truly believed I may never get better and I wanted him to be happy, and he didn’t take it. Who does that? People who know unconditional love. I am forever changed by the unwavering love of the people who didn’t leave.
My personal relationship with God also changed drastically through the worst of my mental illness. I had never struggled this deeply before, and I had also always doubted my relationship with God. I couldn’t stop wondering, “Is He really enough?” when I had never had the shelter of an easy life stripped away from me. I stopped asking Him to heal me and only asked that He show Himself to me, mental illness still fully raging. He was faithful to meet me in the darkness, and I experienced the most blissful contrast between a brain that doesn’t work and a God whose kindness stands regardless. My soul was healed though my mind was not, and that was enough to sustain me until my body began to respond to medical treatment.
Learning this was monumental to me, but is God glorified when we learn? Not when we keep it to ourselves. I no longer had the ability to speak clearly in front of dozens of people in Village, connect with new people, or write eloquently online for many to see. But I had three. Three people who had not seen someone walk through depression and, in the midst, say He is surely good. God was glorified by my willingness to let these three people into my experience.
In John 12:27-36, Jesus speaks of a troubled soul with one goal in mind: glorifying his Father - not through escaping hardship, but by walking through it. “Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? But for this purpose I have come to this hour. Father, glorify your name.” Then a voice came from heaven: “I have glorified it, and I will glorify it again.” It’s fair to understand God’s glory as something that happens when you accomplish good things. But when we grasp Jesus’s death and suffering, our understanding of glory matures into something greater.
God’s glory is not limited to good public image or a gold medal, it's complex and heavy and consequential. God's glory is self-contained, it is in who He is and what He's done. He is glorified when people know Him - and it's an outrageous lie to believe that can only happen when things are going well. I am occasionally asked, “How can I glorify God when my mental health is struggling?” When I hear this, I think I'm really being asked, "How can I be happy when I have depression?" The truth is sometimes you can't, and the good news is it doesn't matter.
God wants you to know him, and those around you need to hear what you see. You may not have the ability to glorify God to the masses, but you will show God in a new way to those that you allow to walk with you. The three people that walked with me through the most awful season of my life changed my understanding of God’s faithfulness and kindness forever. They saw me experience overwhelming sadness, yet remain certain of God’s goodness. And we all came out of it knowing God better.
God will be glorified when you experience Him and share what you learn. Let no circumstance stop you from doing so.
