Why Am I Still Not Married?
By Chelsy Kessler, Resonate Moscow
About two years ago, while overseas, I was sitting in my living room with some girls I had been studying the Bible with. They were asking about my life in America, and I had shared about my family and friends. One girl looked at me and asked, “Do you get sad when you see that all of your friends are married and have babies?”
Yes. And No.
The idolization of marriage is not a uniquely American thing, nor is it a modern revolution. It has been a stable idol throughout history. Along with everything else in creation, romantic relationships are broken - especially the way we talk about them when we aren’t in one.
I would be straight up lying if I said I had never been angry with God after scrolling on Instagram seeing three or four girls younger than me getting engaged. I would also be lying if I had told you I’ve never said, “Psh... I don’t have time to date anyone.” I have spent many days bitterly complaining about how no one is willing to love me and begging God to let me go on even one date. I also have clung to the selfish freedom that comes with having no responsibility of caring for another human. I have lived in both extremes of idolizing marriage and singleness.
We, the Church, hear a lot about marriage and dating: how to do it well, how to wait well, how to pursue a girl well, etc. But do we ever stop to read what Scripture says about being single? It can seem like marriage pops up way too often while reading the Bible, throwing salt in a fresh wound. In actuality, Jesus has a lot to say about singleness and how we, as the Church, should approach it. If you are tempted to stop reading this because you are not single, I encourage you to keep reading. This is a topic that the whole Church needs to discuss. Just because you are not single does not mean you are not playing a role in marriage idolization.
JOHN PROMISES ANOTHER HELPER
John 14:16-17
“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper for him.’” (Genesis 2:18). We often take Genesis 2:18 as a promise that marriage will deliver us out of loneliness.
What happened in pre-fall Genesis does not dictate our reality in the post-resurrection of Jesus today. Yes, God created marriage and deemed it good.
But Jesus. Changes. Everything.
In John 14, we see Jesus promise another Helper. “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth whom the world cannot receive because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.” (John 14:16-17). Marriage is still excellent and blessed, but I submit to you that it is not the end-all. I know most married couples reading this right now will agree that marriage is HARD. It’s not an eternal cloud nine; it’s not eternal at all! But the Holy Spirit who dwells in us is.
Whatever hope you think your current or future spouse will fulfill is already being fulfilled by the Helper promised by Jesus. He points us back to who should be our only hope - Jesus, the eternal servant King. Yes, a marriage partnership is lovely and blessed but it’s not needed. We are already given what we need to accomplish the mission commanded to us by Jesus in Matthew 28. Whether you are single or married, let your relationship status be for the glory of God that the Great Commission would be completed.
MATTHEW TELLS US TO BE EUNUCHS
Matthew 19:10-11
Jesus, in teaching about divorce, tells his disciples that “there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” When you read this, does your mind simply pass it thinking, “Nah dawg, that ain’t me. Jesus has a wife for me.”
Does he have a wife for you? Maybe. Have you ever stopped to pray if marriage is the best God has for you? Have you ever surrendered the possibility of marriage for the sake of the kingdom? If you haven’t, you should. It’s easy when our church is full of 18-29-year-olds, and it feels like someone is getting engaged every weekend. However, this does not mean you also will receive the gift of marriage. What if you never got married? What if you willingly walked in singleness for the sake of his name to be known amidst every tongue, tribe, and nation? What would it look like for you to surrender the possibility of marriage for the advancement of his kingdom? What if you dedicated your 20’s to that mission?
As someone who is currently still single at the ripe age of 27, I can tell you that I do not need marriage to be sent. My calling was not given to me at the marriage altar. It came before I was born. “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations” (Matthew 28:19) is a command given to us here and now, at the moment we say yes to following Jesus. What are you searching for through marriage that has already been found in Jesus?
1 CORINTHIANS TELLS US TO BE FREE FROM ANXIETY
“Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that...I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided.” 1 Corinthians 7:32-35
Why are we so quick to be in a season where our attention is divided? Culture tells us that the “one” is out there; soul mates, Prince Charmings, and happily-ever-afters are just waiting around the corner for us. Nowhere in scripture does it promise any of those things. Paul tries to remind the Corinthians (and us) that Jesus gives us an easy and light burden to carry (Matthew 11:30). Jesus already is our most profound joy, our most extraordinary love story. And because of who he is, he can never fail, forget, nor forsake us.
Church, we must understand this. Jesus is all we ever need. He is the one who eases the pain of loneliness, not a future spouse. His burden is light and is a joy to carry. We know this in Acts when we see the apostles “rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name.”
How well does the Father love us to keep us single, so that we may only be anxious about the things of the one who deeply knows and loves us so much to come to earth to take our place on the cross? Singleness is a gift, not a punishment. What lies do you believe that keep you from fully embracing intimacy with your Creator God? He is enough. God, help our unbelief that says otherwise.
EPHESIANS TELLS US JESUS DID IT FIRST
Ephesians 5:22-25
“Uh, this is a verse about marriage.” Yes, but more importantly, it is about JESUS. The sanctification process is not completed at the altar, but it begins to multiply there. I can hear the “mmhmm” of my married friends as they read that. Marriage is hard. It will fail you. Your husband or wife will disappoint you because they are not Jesus.
Paul writes that wives are to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ and as Christ submitted to the will of the Father. Jesus is the example, and submission doesn’t start in marriage. We, as Christ-followers, should be submitting to the Lord in reverence, awe, and trust. Always.
Paul then writes to husbands to lay down their lives as Jesus laid down his life for the Church. You, my dear friend, are a part of the Church. Jesus already laid down his life for you. You already have a relationship that is founded on the sweetest of love. Why chase anything else?
Now, my married friends...
Hear this truth and speak it over your single friends. Do not pity us, and do not let us pity ourselves when we are impatient with the timing of the excellent gift of singleness. Champion us. Point us back to the truths that are in the Bible. Help us to see where we are idolizing marriage. Help us to see how we are being used by God right now. Be our biggest fans now, and help us remember that God has plans for us today, not just if/when we get married. Marriage shouldn't be the hope you point us back to, but the hope in Jesus and Jesus alone.
Church, whether we are married or living in a season of dating or singleness, Jesus is our one true love. That’s it. No man or woman could ever satisfy us the way that our Savior can. Marriage is a gift, and so is singleness. Our lives are intentionally ordained by the one who knows the numbers of hairs on our heads (Luke 12:7). Where we are now is for our best, and more importantly, for His glory. Let us be people who use marriage and singleness to advance His kingdom with joyful spirits. Let us be those who know the Lord is sovereign over every detail of our lives. And let us be those who ask that He daily reminds us of the depth of His love that knows no bounds.
